God Damn Solid Jokes

Horny Rooster

A farmer needs a rooster, so he went to the market. He saw one rooster banging around the cage, so he asked the seller: "Is this rooster good?" Seller answered: "Of course! But I don't think you will be able to tame him." Farmer said: "Don't worry about that, just sell it to me and I will have a way to deal with it."

He brought the rooster home and released it in his farm. The rooster went straight into the chickens pen and start banging all the chickens it can find. Farmer warned the rooster: "If you don't cool yourself down, you are going to tired yourself out." The rooster ignored the farmer and went all over the farm banging every living creature it could get itself to. The farmer just leaves the rooster and went to sleep.

Next morning, the farmer saw the rooster laying half dead in the middle of the field. He walks over and started laughing: "See what I've told you? You just wouldn't listen, now you know what is suffering." Rooster stare at the farmer for a while and said: "Don't come and disturb me now, I am trying to get the eagles to come down."

Fruits Feast

Cannibals captured three men who were lost in the forest. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in. But on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."



Rubber Things

A young girl's car broke down in front of a farm in a stormy night; she got no choice but to take shelter at the farm for the night. The farmer was unwilling at first, but only agree to it at one condition: "Both my sons are at their young and innocent age right now, I will only agree to let you stay for the night only if you promise that you will not sneak into their room in the middle of the night." The girl agrees to the condition and stay for the night.

She can't help but to sneak into the farmer sons' room in the middle of the night. She told the two young man: "I am going to give you two the best time of your life, but I don't want to be pregnant, so you two will have to wear these rubber things.

Fifty years later, the two brothers were sitting in front of the farm.

"Do you still remember the girl who came into our room on a stormy night fifty year ago?"

"Sure do! I really had the best time of my life."

"Do you care if she really get pregnant now?"

"No, why do you ask?"

"Do you think it's about time we remove that rubber thing?"

Mathematical Problems

A professor wrote a book proving that the entire blondes are stupid, so the blondes wanted to prove him wrong. They gathered at a stadium and elected the smartest of them all to face the questions given by the professor.

Professor asked: "What is square root of 16?" Blonde answered: "5!" Professor replied: "Wrong!" The whole stadium went into an uproar: "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

Professor asked: "What 2 x 2?" Blonde answered: "3!" Professor replied: "Wrong!" The whole stadium went into an uproar: "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

Professor asked: "What is 2 + 2?" Blonde answered: "4!" Professor was surprised. There was a complete silence for a while, then whole stadium went into an uproar: "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"


Breast Stroke

A blonde, a brunette and a red head took part in a swimming competition, they have to swim across the English Channel using breaststroke. The brunette came in first, then the red head, but the judges wait for very long still no sign of the blonde. After a few hours later, the blonde finally arrived looking very tired. She went straight to the judges and said: "I want to complain about the other two competitors, we were suppose to swim breaststroke, but I swear I saw them using their hands and legs."

Monkey Bar

An old man brought his pet monkey to a bar, he went and sit down at the bar counter and let the monkey loose. The monkey run to the pool table, grab the white ball and swallows it. The bartender was so angry that he chases the old man and his monkey out of the bar.

A week later, the old man came back with the monkey. The bartender give the monkey a bowl of peanuts to keep it occupied so that it would not create problem in his bar again. But after a while he can't help but to asks the old man: "I seem to notice that your monkey is doing some disgusting thing, why do he had to put every peanut into his ass hole first before he eat it?" The old man answered: "You remember the white ball he swallow last week? He got a hard time shitting it out, so now he will measure everything before he eat it."

Stock Exchange

A shop owner employed a new shopkeeper. One day, when the shop owner was not around, a customer came by looking for a bottle of kerosene. The shopkeeper went into the store and search, came back and said: "Sorry, sir. We just run out of kerosene this morning." The customer left.

After the shop owner came back, the shopkeeper informs him about the incident. The shop owner was angry: "Why you never recommend something similar like the paint thinner? We still got a lot of paint thinner in our store."

Another day, when the shop owner was not around, a customer came by looking for a roll of toilet paper. The shopkeeper went into the store and search, came back and said: "Sorry, sir. We just run out of toilet paper this morning, would you like to get some sand paper instead?"


Duck Tales

A duck went into a provision store and asked: "Do you have any grapes?" The shopkeeper answer: "No, we don't sell grapes here."

The next day, the duck came back again and asked: "Do you have any grapes?" The shopkeeper answer: "No, we don't sell grapes here. How many times do I have to tell you? If you come and bother me again, I am going to nail your feet to the ground."

The next day, the duck came back again and asked: "Do you have any nails?" The shopkeeper was surprised; he went into the store and search. He came back after a while and said: "I am sorry, sir. We happen to run out of nails this morning." The duck said: " Then do you happen to have any grapes?"

Sins Meter

A guy went to hell after his death; he was taken for his orientation tour on his first day in hell. He can't help but to notice that there are a lot of gauges turning at different speed on the wall of various corridors. He asked the Satan about it and found out that it was a device call sins meter, the more sins a person commit, the faster the gauges will turn.

"Which one happen to be mine?" he asked.

"Oh! I am using it as a cooling fan now."

Pretty Woman

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, then walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "That was my mistress."

The wife says, "That's it ;I want a divorce."

"I understand," replies the husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Ours is prettier," says the wife.


International Call

A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her that it will cost her $300, she exclaims, "I don't have any money but I'll do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland!"

To that the man asks, "Anything?"

And the blonde says, "Yes, Anything!"

With that the man says, "Follow me!"

He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."

She does this and then he says, "Get on your knees."

She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper."

She does. Then he says, "Go ahead, and take it out."

With that, she takes it out and holds it with both hands. And then the man says somewhat impatiently, "Well, go ahead!"

She then brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it very closely to her lips, she says, "Hello, mom?"

Viagra Overdose

A woman complained to her doctor that her husband never wanted sex anymore. He gave her a bottle of pills, telling her to put them in the husband's drink and her husband would be recharged.

The woman was filled with doubt, but she put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made out. The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night the sex was ecstatic. The next day, she said, "What the hell!" and dumped the entire bottle in the husband's coffee.

Sometime later, the doctor called to check on his patient's progress. The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how everyone was doing, the boy replied, "Mom's dead, Sis left home, the maid's pregnant, my ass hurts, and Dad is buck naked on the front lawn yelling, "Here, kitty, kitty.'"


Vaseline Biker

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family.

And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay damn it, I'll do the dishes.