Sea Life Chapter 4

Eagle Albany

12^th August 1998 to 18^th February 1999

I fly to Japan for the New Delivery in July 1998 about two week before the vessel is set to sail off. We stay in a Hostel near to the yard, and Dennis is my room mate. The senior officer had been there few months before and they just completed the sea trial recently. We change into our working clothing and start our inspection of the vessel, taking notes of the defects which we had notice and making mental notes of the stencil marking and layout setup for future operation.

Dennis forgot to bring the charger for his video cam, by chance it was able to use my digital camera charger. We planned for a visit to Hiroshima during one of the weekend evening, but we did not know that the cheaper train ticket we brought took 4 hours to reach the location. So by the time we reach there it was already about 2200 hrs at night and most of the shop and shopping center are closed.

We get another chance over the weekday as the yard is planning to paint the ship getting ready for delivery hand over. We did not know that day is the Atomic Bomb Memorial Day, so when we arrive at the town early in the morning we saw a lot of local heading to the Memorial Park. We walk along the Shopping Street and visit the Memorial Park, the crews are crazy about getting electronic goods at Pawn Shop while the Officers are interested in the 200 ($2) Yen Value Shop.

We also did went out the night before the ship sail off, as we are going for a long voyage we need to get some stuffs. One of the main item is the pillow, as the one provided by the Japan yard are too high and too hard. Second Engineer Aun Aun wanted to make the spare Master Key, the Key Smith check the catalog to ensure it comply to their country security standard before accepting the job.

We went to a local pub nearby to meet Third Engineer Kelvin, he was crazy about a Japanese Waitress there and trying to get her contact before we left. As 50% of the Japanese words are similar to Chinese, I became useful in getting the mailing address for him to write his love letters. They are having some harvest celebration at the small town near to the yard, we manage to met a local who speak English to explain to us about the origin of the celebration.

We sail off at 12^th August and will be stopping by at Singapore for our Bunker, Store, Spare and Provision. Second Engineer Cheah knew another Fourth Engineer Teoh will be joining in Singapore, so he send message to him asking him to bring some entertainment stuff from Malaysia.

The vessel arrive at Singapore Anchorage and I was busy taking bunker on deck, Superintendent Toh came and ask me for direct around the ship. I thought he was the ship chandler but later was told by the other ship staffs that he was the Superintendent. Superintendent Ang also came onboard for a visit, I met him when he was having lunch at the mess room, If the Chief Cook did not introduce him I would not have thought he is Superintendent too as he was wearing working clothing and just did a tank inspection.

New join crews brought a PlayStation Gaming Console, a few games and a few VCD, that will be our entertainment for the 45 days long voyage to America. We proceed to Australia first to load Crude Condensate, the cargo corrosive properties will help to clean the cargo tank. It can strip paint to bare metal on contact and Bosun kept a few jar in his store for future cleaning.

Burmese Electrician was not happy that the company cancel his request for power screw driver, as he will need to open a lot of screw for ceiling and bulkhead inspection he decided to get one himself. He later brought a set of Infinity Speaker Set and a Digital Universal Remote Control for his Home Entertainment System, he was kind enough to impress us during one of the SRC Movie Screening Night.

Chief Engineer love the Female Actress Whitney Houston in the Movie named The Body Guard, every evening after dinner he will be the first in the TV Room to watch the movie. We had watch the movie more than 40 times during our long voyage because of him. A few of the younger crew members prefer to challenge each other in fighting game in the other TV Room.

We saw the Cape of Good Hope after about 30 days of long voyage, it was the first time we saw land since we left Australia. Captain Mogay make a remark on Chief Officer Mohana Cabin, empty beer cans were rolling all over the cabin when he went for inspection. Third Engineer Kelvin bring Third Officer Dennis to a strip club when we arrive in America, Dennis say he had to wash his face for more than a week after the visit.

Both of them planned to visit Laos and Cambodia after they sign off from the vessel, and it led to a joke later when Dennis Sister call my home looking for him while my mom who answer the phone thought why my friend sister call me to look for their dog. I realize that it was Dennis Chinese name and call her back and told her about his trip and ask her to confirm if his passport is not at home.
 

We also visit Bourbon Street in New Orleans, both my fifth engineer were very exited when they saw the Mardi Gras style of celebration during New Year Eve. Second Engineer Wife adopted a small parrot which lost it way and wander around our ship, but the bird die after a few days and everybody feel sad.

 

The Second Officer who taking over Dennis claim he is a Computer Expert, but Dennis found out later it is otherwise. He call Dennis and say that he cannot find the file that Dennis handover to him, Dennis ask him to look for it on A Drive as it is save on Floppy Disc. He insist it should be on C Drive as he had already put the Floppy Disc into the Computer and the Computer should be C Drive.

He then call Dennis on another occasion claiming that all the data on the spread sheet are gone, Dennis thought he had accidentally delete it by mistake. When Dennis went to the computer he saw the marker on the screen is at the last cell, so Dennis just press Home and Page Up together and the data magically appear again.  

Me and Dennis sign off around Chinese New Year with some deck crews, we were suppose to arrive Singapore on the third day of Chinese New Year. But due to a lot of flight delay, we had to stay one night each in Houston and Los Angeles. Our luggage also could not be found when we arrive in Singapore on the fifth day of Chinese New Year, after checking with the Baggage Claim Department we found out that our luggage still in Los Angeles because they did not transfer it to our new flight when we switch.

Sea Life Chapter 2

Neptune Crux

26^th April 1997 to 29^th November 1997

After I completed two and a half year of my national service, I thought of quitting my sailing career. I took Diploma in Computer Studies during my national service and work for about six month in the IT industry. But I realized that office desk job was not suitable for me, so I join back as fifth engineer and join the vessel in Singapore with an Indian Chief Engineer. It was a smaller product tanker as compare to the Alfamex Crude Oil Tanker of my Cadet Ship, the voyage are tramping around Asia and Middle East region and should be more interesting than the fix STS operation in America.

The first Loading Port was Keelong Taiwan, we arrive at the anchorage and met with force 10 typhoon. The famous Technical Superintendent Tiger Tan visit the vessel during the one week anchorage and wanted to lower the life boat in extreme weather condition. Burmese Third Engineer got Sea Sick after trying to rectify the releasing mechanism of the hook and came to engine control room looking for a replacement. Fourth Engineer Eddie also very prompt to sea sick so I was the only choice left, I manage to board the life boat quickly due to my previous army training and the Superintendent was very impress.

But due to not getting enough sleep the night before because of maneuvering duties and the constraint and stuffy environment, I do not have the mental power to fight the sea sick. Chief Officer Manji send some cold drink down for us it was nice but my stomach just can't hold the orange soft drink and throw up outside the life boat. They thought the paint from the life boat had peel off when they saw orange patch floating away from the life boat, then the Superintendent saw me vomiting at the side and decided to get me up. I had to lay down on the roof of the life boat for a while for some fresh air before I recover my strength to climb the ladder.

The Bangladesh Second Engineer is very afraid of the Superintendent, got a few occasions he saw the Superintendent coming into engine from one of the stairway and he quickly escape from the other stairway. I was helping Second Engineer updating the PMS (Planned Maintenance Schedule) in the ship office at night after our dinner and the next thing I know I am alone with the Superintendent in the office and Second Engineer was nowhere to be found.

The Superintendent like to chat with me while we make coffee near to midnight, he say not much local are willing to sail anymore and we are rare breed like endangered species. There is a China Cadet who join before me, he is not happy with the life onboard as he had to work very hard. He told me he use to work government job in Suzhou and all he have to do is just to show his face in the morning and he can do whatever he please for the rest of the day.

 

Fourth Engineer Eddie always suffer under the Bangladesh Second Engineer, I became his assistance when I join the ship helping him on various maintenance for Boiler, Air Compressor and Purifier. Got one occasion we were ask to replace the lagging material for the boiler and while he is removing the rivet with a drill the asbestos fell on him and he was scratching all over for a week or so like the monkey king.

We also once ask to replace the canvas trunking for the Air Conditioning Unit at the upper level, while we were tightening the bolts and nuts, a small 10 mm spanner fell inside. We look at each other, shine the torch light to see that the spanner never land close to the blower impeller and decided to forget about the whole incident as it will be too much trouble to open up the whole blower casing just to get it back.

A Malaysian Deck Cadet Joe became very close to me because we speak the same dialect Hakka, the other Engine Cadet Eric join later and we became the Iron Triangle due to our friendship. I found out later that I did not get to meet Third Officer Dennis as he had sign off before I join, but fate manage brought us together when we deliver a new vessel in Japan a few years later.

After Joe sign off another three China Deck Cadet join, one of them is from Guangxi and two of them are from Suzhou too. So the five of us became the lowest form of life on the ship and always sit at the same table for our meals.

The vessel went to a lot of places, from Korea to Middle East and even Sri Lanka toward the later part of our voyage. Middle East was very hot and dry, I bet with Eric to see how long will it take an Ice Cube from the Mess Room to melt on the Deck. Eric guess 3 minutes and I guess 1 minutes, to our surprise it disappear withing 10 seconds.

We encounter a lot of issue there, the cooling pump filter were choked by sea weed. We had to remove the filter to clean every hour and the valve can only be force shut with the help of chain block. We also had to clean up all the sand inside the engine room which is blow in by the blower, I was told later that they actually sold the sands as a souvenir as the sand got 7 different colors for each different state.

We saw a lot of crabs floating on the surface and manage to hook a few with just aiming the weight and projecting the lines of hook to get it by chance. We saw a lot of bird migrating during the season and they decided to rest on our ship, the deck cadets had a hard time cleaning bird shit on the deck after they left.

We saw volcano eruption when we pass by Sumatra, and the Second Mate is skillful enough to navigate between two ten stories tall wave and sail in between two wall of water like Moses splitting the red sea.

We arrive at Pusan Korea and Burmese Third Engineer want to find Ginseng Chicken Soup, as we are unable to speak their language we had to act like a chicken to make them understand what we want. It is like the Radio Officer cannot take Beef and we had to act like a pig to order Tacos which is Pork instead of Beef in Mexico during my cadet ship.

I fall sick after we departure Korea, I pass out blood from my urine and had high fever, they suspect Kidney Stone and send me to an hospital Dubai for check up when the ship arrive. I was suppose to carry out the video scope inspection but the company call the agent to cancel the medical examination as it is too expensive. The doctor prescribe some medicine to clear my kidney stone and by the time we arrive Sri Lanka I am already alive and kicking.

They still insist on sending me to a clinic in Sri Lanka to complete the video scope examination but the clinic doesn't have the facilities to do that and the urine test result only show infection which is probably cause by the stone scraping the passage when passing out.

Sri Lanka was a very dangerous place, I had to walk an hour passing three security check point before I reach the town. Every time the security guard ask me the three standard questions of Who am I? Where am I from? And Where am I heading? I start to question life and did some soul searching on what is the purpose of life.

Some vendors came onboard ship to sell precious stone, Chief Cook brought two ruby and later found to be fake when he bring to town for verification. I brought some cat eye, sapphire and topaz from town at a cheaper price but never really bother verifying it as it is just a souvenir. I also brought some cray pottery bowl for my mom and a leather bag for my sister.

Chief Cook sign off at Sri Lanka with Bosun and two AB (Able Bodies), they were lucky that the hotel they stay got bombing by the Tamil Tiger just a few days later after they fly back Singapore.

Superintendent decided to send the whole valve block for the stripping pump for replacement, it took eight of us to carry the parts down to pump room. We had been doing mechanical seal replacement for the cargo pump every month as the stripping pump is not working and using the cargo pump to strip will cause the mechanical seal to run dry and damage easily.

The ship went to Suez and all of us were very excited to visit the Pyramid in Egypt, the Captain refuse to grant shore leave and everybody were disappointed. We also did not get shore leave when we are in Japan too, and maybe is retribution that our ship bang into the jetty when we are going along side and three different loading master came onboard each day to ask for cigarettes to compensate for the damage to their railing.

The Captain decided to lock himself inside the room and never went for his meals, Chief Officer use Master Key to open his cabin to ensure that he is still alive and nicely sleeping after we left port. Most of the people doesn't like the Captain, he was selfish enough to cut ration to get bonus from the office. Only meat and rice were order for other race provision and dahl and chapati for his own race, no fruits or vegetable for months and constipation became a common issues for all onboard.

A lot of the staffs decided to request for early sign off to shorten the period of their suffering and I am the few lucky one who manage to sign off from the vessel when it reach Singapore.

Just For Laugh

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers --but imagine if they did...
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"

HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"

CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"

HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."

CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"


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HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"

HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"

CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"

HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"

CUSTOMER: "I see an 'E' but no 'F'."

HELPLINE: "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.

CUSTOMER: "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.

HELPLINE: "A 'V'?!?"

CUSTOMER: "Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then a 'V', followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..."

HELPLINE: "No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about."

CUSTOMER: "That steering wheel thingy-- Is that the round thing that honks the horn?"

HELPLINE: "Yes, among other things."

CUSTOMER: "The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"

HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."

CUSTOMER: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"


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HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"

HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"

CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"

CUSTOMER: "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't even start up!"

HELPLINE: "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the product."

CUSTOMER: "Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did -- now the damn thing's crashed."

HELPLINE: "Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the car sir?"

CUSTOMER: "What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't work!"

HELPLINE: "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?"

CUSTOMER: "How do you do THAT?"

HELPLINE: "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator."

CUSTOMER: "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual you know."

HELPLINE: "Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?"

CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!"


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HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"

CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?"

CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"



Here are some conversations which had actually happened between help desk people and their customers.


Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
-=+=-
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
-=+=-
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
-=+=-
Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it."
-=+=-
Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."
-=+=-
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
-=+=-
Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
-=+=-
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

Here are some more conversations which had actually happened between help desk people and their customers.


Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)
Tech Support: "Well then we can't--"
Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You need to--"
Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to try a few times, and it will let me through."
Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because you're on the phone with me."
Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."
-=+=-
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No."
-=+=-
Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
-=+=-
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Tech Support: "Years of training..."
-=+=-
Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
-=+=-
Customer: "I'm going to be using Windows NT. Should I get the Server or Workstation version?"
Tech Support: "Well, are you using it as a workstation or as a server?"
Customer: "A server. So, which one do I get?"
Tech Support: "The server version perhaps?"
Customer: "Which one is that?"
Tech Support: "Windows NT Server."
Customer: "Ok, thanks."
-=+=-
Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
-=+=-
Customer: "I can't log in to my account."
Tech Support: "Ok, let's look at your configuration."
Customer: "Ok... but I know that my User ID is case sensitive."
Tech Support: "Yes it is. Ok, what does it say in the 'User ID' field?"
Customer: "'Case Sensitive'."
-=+=-
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."
-=+=-
Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
-=+=-
Tech Support: "What version of the Mac OS are you using?"
Customer: "Word 6.0."
-=+=-
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
-=+=-
Customer: "I don't need any of that SQL stuff -- I just want a database!"
-=+=-
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
-=+=-
Customer: "I have a long distance modem."
-=+=-
Customer: "I don't have a space bar."
-=+=-
Customer: "Do I have to hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?"



A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."



Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"



Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"



Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"



Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."



Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "Alright, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work." Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"



"Hello, Welch Hall, computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
[Uh-Oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea prompt?"
[Uh-huh. I thought so. Let's try a different tactic.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen."
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
[Ah, a least he/she knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if he/she kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power indicator?
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look at the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
[Sound of rustling and jostling] [Muffled] "Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
[Pause] "Yes, it is."
[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt he/she would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor he/she has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cable plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
[Muffled] "Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
[Still muffled] "I can't reach it."
"Uh-huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
[Clear again] "No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off and the only light I have is coming from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
A power !@#$%^&*!?!"...[AAAAAAAARGH!!!] "A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I kept them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!!!"



Just in case you think you are TC ("Technologically Challenged" , the following is an excerpt from an article in the Wall Street Journal:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her Mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. The customer had stuck labels on the diskettes, then rolled them into his typewriter to type on the labels.

4. Another customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later, a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised a customer to put his trouble floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the tech discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad" command and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had tried turning the computer screen to face the printer, but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq Tech Support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she'd unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she answered, "What Power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you? Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a tradeshow?" Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

13. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with that disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in.." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.