2010: World War 3 begins in November 2010. Starting as a regular war, it will progress to a nuclear and chemical war. Vanga says the war will be finished by October 2014.
2011: As a result of the war, radioactive showers will destroy almost all life in the Northern Hemisphere. The remaining Europeans will face an even further threat from the Muslims who will use chemical weapons to finish them off.
2014: As another result of the chemicals and nuclear weapons during the war, most of the world population will have skin cancer and other skin diseases.
2016: Europe is nearly uninhabited.
2018: China will become the new superpower. The exploiters will become the exploited.
2023: The Earth's orbit will change.
2025: Europe is still very underpopulated.
2028: A new energy source will be found. Hunger is overcome. A manned space flight will leave for Venus.
2033: The world water levels will rise as the polar ice caps melt.
2043: Economy is good. The Muslims will run Europe.
2046: All bodily organs can be reproduced, becoming the easiest and most popular method of treatment.
2066: The U.S. uses a new climate-changing weapon on Muslim controlled Rome.
2076: Communism takes over.
2084: Nature is reborn.(??)
2088: A new disease makes you grow old in seconds.
2097: The Fast-Aging Disease is cured.
2100: Man-made sun is lighting up the dark side of the planet.
2111: People become robots. Probably like androids.
2123: Wars between small countries. The big countries stay out of it.
2125: Signals from Space will be received in Hungary. (People will be reminded of Baba Vanga - probably due to her alien subjects)
2130: With the help of the aliens, civilizations will live underwater.
2164: Animals turn half-human.
2167: A new religion.
2170: Major drought.
2183: A colony on Mars will become a nuclear power and ask for independance from Earth. (Like the U.S. asked from England.)
2187: 2 large volcanic eruptions will be successfully stopped.
2195: The sea colonies will have energy and food.
2196: Asians and Europeans will be completely mixed.
2201: Temperatures drop as the sun's thermonuclear processes slow down.
2221: In the search for extra-terrestrial life, humans will come in contact with something terrible.
2256: A spaceship will bring a new disease to Earth.
2262: Planets will slowly change orbits. Mars will be threatened by a comet.
2271: Physics laws will be changed.
2273: White, black and yellow races will form 1 new race.
2279: Power will be obtained from nothing. (Possibly a vacuum or a black hole.)
2288: Possible time travel and alien contact.
2291: The sun grows cooler. Attempts will be made to make it hot again.
2296: Strong explosions in the sun. The forces of gravity will change. Old space stations and satellites will fall.
2299: In France, a resistance movement will rise against Islam.
2302: Important laws and secrets of the universe are revealed.
2304: Secrets of the Moon are also revealed.
2341: Something terrible will approach Earth from Space.
2354: An accident on the artificial sun will result in drought.
2371: World hunger.
2378: A new and fast-growing race.
2480: 2 artificial (man-made) suns will collide and leave the Earth in the dark.
3005: A war on Mars will change the trajectory of the planet.
3010: A comet will hit the moon. The Earth will be surrounded by a ring of rock and ash.
3797: By this time, everything on Earth will die. However, human civilization will be advanced enough to move to a new star system.
3803: A new planet is populated by little. Fewer contacts between people. Climate new planet affects the organisms of people - they mutate.
3805: The war between humans for resources. More than half of people dying out.
3815: The war is over.
3854: The development of civilization virtually stops. People live flocks as beasts.
3871: New prophet tells people about moral values, religion.
3874: New prophet receives support from all segments of the population. Organized a new church.
3878: along with the Church to re-train new people forgotten sciences.
4302: New cities are growing in the world. New Church encourages the development of new technology and science.
4302: The development of science. Scientists discovered in the overall impact of all diseases in organism behavior.
4304: Found a way to win any disease.
4308: Due to mutation people at last beginning to use their brains more than 34%. Completely lost the notion of evil and hatred.
4509: Getting to Know God. The man has finally been reached such a level of development that can communicate with God.
4599: People achieve immortality.
4674: The development of civilization has reached its peak. The number of people living on different planets is about 340 billion. Assimilation begins with aliens.
5076: A boundary universe. With it, no one knows.
5078: The decision to leave the boundaries of the universe. While about 40 percent of the population is against it.
5079: End of the World.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Legend Of Singapore Feng Shui
WHY PLANT TREES?
Ever wonder why Singapore is known as a Garden City?
Why would Singapore go around planting trees?
After all, maintaining a Garden City is very expensive.
Well, here's the answer:
If you were to look at Singapore from the top, Singapore resembles a Crab, with its Mouth the Singapore River and its Back facing Malaysia. We all know that Cooked Crab (that means Dead Crab) is Red, the colour of Barren Ground. But a Live Crab is basically a Dark Shade of Green.
So,by planting trees, you make Singapore look Green and not Red, and therefore alive.
TWO PROMINENT DISTRICTS:
Lee Kuan Yew runs Tanjung Pagar while Goh Chok Tong is in Marine Parade. If you look at Singapore as a Crab again, these two locations are situated at the positions where the Claws of a Crab will be. We know the strongest parts of a Crab are its Claws, so there they are.
HOW SINGAPORE WAS CONQUERED:
To kill a Crab, you stick the Chopstick at the side of the Crab, which is exactly where the Japanese attacked and conquered Singapore.
KALLANG RIVER CLEAN-UP:
Why clean up a River that spells different memories for many Singaporeans and was one of the reasons for our Prosperity in the early years?
During the 80's Recession, we had just completed the Benjamin Sheares Bridge, which happens to suspend over the Singapore River, the Mouth of the Crab. This is as good as tying the Mouth of the Crab, thus choking it which explains the Recession. In order to get out of it, one way was to clean up the River so that the Mouth is Clean and Wealth can flow in without Obstruction. Sounds Unbelievable? But it seems Logical, doesn't it?
ONE DOLLAR COIN:
Here's another thing for you to think about whether you believe it or not. Please reach into your Pocket and search for a One Dollar Coin, and take a good look at it. It is round, no doubt, but it also has a unique Octagonal design which is an important Symbol in Chinese Geomancy or Feng Shui. This is where the Story of this Coin begins. On the Island of Singapore lived a very Influential Man named Lee. He is very particular about Feng Shui, Man's Balance with Nature. There is a particular day and also time of day to inaugurate any important Event. There is also a particular colour of Dress, when it comes to important Occasions, and so on. He has a Feng Shui Mentor - a Famous Monk, a particular Venerable who died recently. Lee would seek the advice of this Venerable, whenever he had to make an important decision.
The One Dollar Coin came into Circulation at the time of the MRT Construction on the Island (check the date if you don't believe me). The story goes that the Venerable had advised Lee that MRT tunnelling work would be bad for the Feng Shui of the Island, its Prosperity, etc. Firm however on pushing ahead with the project, Lee asked if there was anything that could be done to circumvent the bad Feng Shui. "Yes", replied the Venerable, "but it may be impossible to implement". Said Lee to the Venerable - please speak. The Venerable then said that Every Household on this Island must have or must display a 'Pak Kwa' or Symbolic Octagonal (Eight Sided) object. Oh no, there would definitely be Racial Riots. How could Lee force every household to have a 'Pak Kwa' then at home?
Hehheh... said the wise Lee - I have an idea. I know how to make Everybody like to have as many 'Pak Kwas' as possible and so, our One Dollar Coin was born.
But then, the Economy didn't do quite as well as expected after the Circulation of the One Dollar Coin. Remember the '85/86 recession??
So the Honorary Venerable was consulted again. He said that whilst the One Dollar Coin did symbolise the Pak Kwa, it was of no use if everyone had it in his pocket and failed to Display it. So the next novel idea was born the Road Tax Label If you recall, it used to be round and now, it's Octagon and it is Displayed. Maybe now, you think this explains the many years of Booming Economy Singapore had been experiencing.
However, with the recent turmoil in the region and now that the Venerable is no longer around, what shall we do next? Know any Feng Shui Experts?
By the way, the Monk mentioned is the Ex Head of a Temple. When he passed away several years ago, Bishan Park was born because his Temple was not allowed to be blocked by any HDB Flats.
Ever wonder why Singapore is known as a Garden City?
Why would Singapore go around planting trees?
After all, maintaining a Garden City is very expensive.
Well, here's the answer:
If you were to look at Singapore from the top, Singapore resembles a Crab, with its Mouth the Singapore River and its Back facing Malaysia. We all know that Cooked Crab (that means Dead Crab) is Red, the colour of Barren Ground. But a Live Crab is basically a Dark Shade of Green.
So,by planting trees, you make Singapore look Green and not Red, and therefore alive.
TWO PROMINENT DISTRICTS:
Lee Kuan Yew runs Tanjung Pagar while Goh Chok Tong is in Marine Parade. If you look at Singapore as a Crab again, these two locations are situated at the positions where the Claws of a Crab will be. We know the strongest parts of a Crab are its Claws, so there they are.
HOW SINGAPORE WAS CONQUERED:
To kill a Crab, you stick the Chopstick at the side of the Crab, which is exactly where the Japanese attacked and conquered Singapore.
KALLANG RIVER CLEAN-UP:
Why clean up a River that spells different memories for many Singaporeans and was one of the reasons for our Prosperity in the early years?
During the 80's Recession, we had just completed the Benjamin Sheares Bridge, which happens to suspend over the Singapore River, the Mouth of the Crab. This is as good as tying the Mouth of the Crab, thus choking it which explains the Recession. In order to get out of it, one way was to clean up the River so that the Mouth is Clean and Wealth can flow in without Obstruction. Sounds Unbelievable? But it seems Logical, doesn't it?
ONE DOLLAR COIN:
Here's another thing for you to think about whether you believe it or not. Please reach into your Pocket and search for a One Dollar Coin, and take a good look at it. It is round, no doubt, but it also has a unique Octagonal design which is an important Symbol in Chinese Geomancy or Feng Shui. This is where the Story of this Coin begins. On the Island of Singapore lived a very Influential Man named Lee. He is very particular about Feng Shui, Man's Balance with Nature. There is a particular day and also time of day to inaugurate any important Event. There is also a particular colour of Dress, when it comes to important Occasions, and so on. He has a Feng Shui Mentor - a Famous Monk, a particular Venerable who died recently. Lee would seek the advice of this Venerable, whenever he had to make an important decision.
The One Dollar Coin came into Circulation at the time of the MRT Construction on the Island (check the date if you don't believe me). The story goes that the Venerable had advised Lee that MRT tunnelling work would be bad for the Feng Shui of the Island, its Prosperity, etc. Firm however on pushing ahead with the project, Lee asked if there was anything that could be done to circumvent the bad Feng Shui. "Yes", replied the Venerable, "but it may be impossible to implement". Said Lee to the Venerable - please speak. The Venerable then said that Every Household on this Island must have or must display a 'Pak Kwa' or Symbolic Octagonal (Eight Sided) object. Oh no, there would definitely be Racial Riots. How could Lee force every household to have a 'Pak Kwa' then at home?
Hehheh... said the wise Lee - I have an idea. I know how to make Everybody like to have as many 'Pak Kwas' as possible and so, our One Dollar Coin was born.
But then, the Economy didn't do quite as well as expected after the Circulation of the One Dollar Coin. Remember the '85/86 recession??
So the Honorary Venerable was consulted again. He said that whilst the One Dollar Coin did symbolise the Pak Kwa, it was of no use if everyone had it in his pocket and failed to Display it. So the next novel idea was born the Road Tax Label If you recall, it used to be round and now, it's Octagon and it is Displayed. Maybe now, you think this explains the many years of Booming Economy Singapore had been experiencing.
However, with the recent turmoil in the region and now that the Venerable is no longer around, what shall we do next? Know any Feng Shui Experts?
By the way, the Monk mentioned is the Ex Head of a Temple. When he passed away several years ago, Bishan Park was born because his Temple was not allowed to be blocked by any HDB Flats.
中国神话故事 Chinese Mythology
盤古 Pan Gu the Giant spilt the Universe into Heaven and Earth and support the Heaven on his shoulder. This is very similar to Atlas of Greek Mythology where he also support the Heaven on his shoulder. The Big Bang Theory where the Universe was created must have some connection to this Legend.
女媧 Nu Wa the Goddess which created Humans out of Clay is very much similar to God in Christian Bible during the Genesis. 伏羲 Fu Xi and 女媧 Nu Wa is the first couple which is having a half human and half serpent body, they are like Adam and Eve in the Christian Bible during the Genesis.
女媧 Nu Wa also later repair the fallen Heaven when 共工 Gong Gong the Flood God destroy the Pillar which supported it when he lost the battle against his father 祝融 Zhu Rong the Fire God. 共工 Gong Gong is known to have nine heads which is very similar to the Hydra in Greek Mythology. This had cause Fire Balls and Great Flood to fall on Earth and 禹 Yu the Great later take over his father 舜 Shun role to control the Flood. This encounter of Great Flood is similar to Noel Ark which save all animals in Christian Bible and Manu in Hindu Rig Vedas which save all seeds of plants. The Legend of Lost City of Atlantis which occur during the end of Ice Age when the North Pole and South Pole shifted to Equator due to Asteroid hit and cause the Ice to melt down.
后羿 Hou Yi is the Hero who shoot down Nine of the Ten Suns which bring Great Drought to the Earth, he was rewarded with a Elixir which allow him to become Immortal. His wife 嫦娥 Chang Er taken the Elixir by mistake and Fly to the Moon and become the Moon Goddess. This is the legend behind the Moon Cake Festival during Mid Autumn.
牛郎 Niu Lang (Cow Boy) saw Seven Fairy taking a bath at the Lake, he steal one set of clothing so that one of the Fairy could not return to Heaven. The Youngest Fairy 織女 Zhi Nu (Tailor Girl) stay back and married 牛郎 Niu Lang (Cow Boy) and they live happily ever after and have two child. The Goddess of Heaven knew about it and order 織女 Zhi Nu(Tailor Girl) to return back to Heaven, the couple were separated from each other and only allow to meet once a year on Seventh Days of Seventh Months at Magpies Bridge. This is the Legend behind the Seventh Eve Festival during the Seventh Days of the Seventh Months.
There is a Monster named 夕 Xi (Eve) or 年 Nian (Year) which come to Earth every year to eat Humans, it was later discovered that the Monster is afraid of Red Colour and Loud Noise. So all people will wear Red and burn Fire Cracker on New Year Eve and New Year to chase away the Monster. So the Night before Chinese New Year is called 除夕Chu Xi (Rid Eve) and Chinese New Year is call 过年 Guo Nian (Past Year).
女媧 Nu Wa the Goddess which created Humans out of Clay is very much similar to God in Christian Bible during the Genesis. 伏羲 Fu Xi and 女媧 Nu Wa is the first couple which is having a half human and half serpent body, they are like Adam and Eve in the Christian Bible during the Genesis.
女媧 Nu Wa also later repair the fallen Heaven when 共工 Gong Gong the Flood God destroy the Pillar which supported it when he lost the battle against his father 祝融 Zhu Rong the Fire God. 共工 Gong Gong is known to have nine heads which is very similar to the Hydra in Greek Mythology. This had cause Fire Balls and Great Flood to fall on Earth and 禹 Yu the Great later take over his father 舜 Shun role to control the Flood. This encounter of Great Flood is similar to Noel Ark which save all animals in Christian Bible and Manu in Hindu Rig Vedas which save all seeds of plants. The Legend of Lost City of Atlantis which occur during the end of Ice Age when the North Pole and South Pole shifted to Equator due to Asteroid hit and cause the Ice to melt down.
后羿 Hou Yi is the Hero who shoot down Nine of the Ten Suns which bring Great Drought to the Earth, he was rewarded with a Elixir which allow him to become Immortal. His wife 嫦娥 Chang Er taken the Elixir by mistake and Fly to the Moon and become the Moon Goddess. This is the legend behind the Moon Cake Festival during Mid Autumn.
牛郎 Niu Lang (Cow Boy) saw Seven Fairy taking a bath at the Lake, he steal one set of clothing so that one of the Fairy could not return to Heaven. The Youngest Fairy 織女 Zhi Nu (Tailor Girl) stay back and married 牛郎 Niu Lang (Cow Boy) and they live happily ever after and have two child. The Goddess of Heaven knew about it and order 織女 Zhi Nu(Tailor Girl) to return back to Heaven, the couple were separated from each other and only allow to meet once a year on Seventh Days of Seventh Months at Magpies Bridge. This is the Legend behind the Seventh Eve Festival during the Seventh Days of the Seventh Months.
There is a Monster named 夕 Xi (Eve) or 年 Nian (Year) which come to Earth every year to eat Humans, it was later discovered that the Monster is afraid of Red Colour and Loud Noise. So all people will wear Red and burn Fire Cracker on New Year Eve and New Year to chase away the Monster. So the Night before Chinese New Year is called 除夕Chu Xi (Rid Eve) and Chinese New Year is call 过年 Guo Nian (Past Year).
Monday, September 13, 2010
Chicken Gun and Space Pen
Chicken Gun
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions. You're going to love this......
NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken."
Space Pen
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 million developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300C.
When confronted with the same problem, the Russians used a pencil.
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions. You're going to love this......
NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken."
Space Pen
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 million developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300C.
When confronted with the same problem, the Russians used a pencil.
God Damn Solid Jokes
Horny Rooster
A farmer needs a rooster, so he went to the market. He saw one rooster banging around the cage, so he asked the seller: "Is this rooster good?" Seller answered: "Of course! But I don't think you will be able to tame him." Farmer said: "Don't worry about that, just sell it to me and I will have a way to deal with it."
He brought the rooster home and released it in his farm. The rooster went straight into the chickens pen and start banging all the chickens it can find. Farmer warned the rooster: "If you don't cool yourself down, you are going to tired yourself out." The rooster ignored the farmer and went all over the farm banging every living creature it could get itself to. The farmer just leaves the rooster and went to sleep.
Next morning, the farmer saw the rooster laying half dead in the middle of the field. He walks over and started laughing: "See what I've told you? You just wouldn't listen, now you know what is suffering." Rooster stare at the farmer for a while and said: "Don't come and disturb me now, I am trying to get the eagles to come down."
Fruits Feast
Cannibals captured three men who were lost in the forest. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in. But on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
Rubber Things
A young girl's car broke down in front of a farm in a stormy night; she got no choice but to take shelter at the farm for the night. The farmer was unwilling at first, but only agree to it at one condition: "Both my sons are at their young and innocent age right now, I will only agree to let you stay for the night only if you promise that you will not sneak into their room in the middle of the night." The girl agrees to the condition and stay for the night.
She can't help but to sneak into the farmer sons' room in the middle of the night. She told the two young man: "I am going to give you two the best time of your life, but I don't want to be pregnant, so you two will have to wear these rubber things.
Fifty years later, the two brothers were sitting in front of the farm.
"Do you still remember the girl who came into our room on a stormy night fifty year ago?"
"Sure do! I really had the best time of my life."
"Do you care if she really get pregnant now?"
"No, why do you ask?"
"Do you think it's about time we remove that rubber thing?"
Mathematical Problems
A professor wrote a book proving that the entire blondes are stupid, so the blondes wanted to prove him wrong. They gathered at a stadium and elected the smartest of them all to face the questions given by the professor.
Professor asked: "What is square root of 16?" Blonde answered: "5!" Professor replied: "Wrong!" The whole stadium went into an uproar: "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
Professor asked: "What 2 x 2?" Blonde answered: "3!" Professor replied: "Wrong!" The whole stadium went into an uproar: "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
Professor asked: "What is 2 + 2?" Blonde answered: "4!" Professor was surprised. There was a complete silence for a while, then whole stadium went into an uproar: "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
Breast Stroke
A blonde, a brunette and a red head took part in a swimming competition, they have to swim across the English Channel using breaststroke. The brunette came in first, then the red head, but the judges wait for very long still no sign of the blonde. After a few hours later, the blonde finally arrived looking very tired. She went straight to the judges and said: "I want to complain about the other two competitors, we were suppose to swim breaststroke, but I swear I saw them using their hands and legs."
Monkey Bar
An old man brought his pet monkey to a bar, he went and sit down at the bar counter and let the monkey loose. The monkey run to the pool table, grab the white ball and swallows it. The bartender was so angry that he chases the old man and his monkey out of the bar.
A week later, the old man came back with the monkey. The bartender give the monkey a bowl of peanuts to keep it occupied so that it would not create problem in his bar again. But after a while he can't help but to asks the old man: "I seem to notice that your monkey is doing some disgusting thing, why do he had to put every peanut into his ass hole first before he eat it?" The old man answered: "You remember the white ball he swallow last week? He got a hard time shitting it out, so now he will measure everything before he eat it."
Stock Exchange
A shop owner employed a new shopkeeper. One day, when the shop owner was not around, a customer came by looking for a bottle of kerosene. The shopkeeper went into the store and search, came back and said: "Sorry, sir. We just run out of kerosene this morning." The customer left.
After the shop owner came back, the shopkeeper informs him about the incident. The shop owner was angry: "Why you never recommend something similar like the paint thinner? We still got a lot of paint thinner in our store."
Another day, when the shop owner was not around, a customer came by looking for a roll of toilet paper. The shopkeeper went into the store and search, came back and said: "Sorry, sir. We just run out of toilet paper this morning, would you like to get some sand paper instead?"
Duck Tales
A duck went into a provision store and asked: "Do you have any grapes?" The shopkeeper answer: "No, we don't sell grapes here."
The next day, the duck came back again and asked: "Do you have any grapes?" The shopkeeper answer: "No, we don't sell grapes here. How many times do I have to tell you? If you come and bother me again, I am going to nail your feet to the ground."
The next day, the duck came back again and asked: "Do you have any nails?" The shopkeeper was surprised; he went into the store and search. He came back after a while and said: "I am sorry, sir. We happen to run out of nails this morning." The duck said: " Then do you happen to have any grapes?"
Sins Meter
A guy went to hell after his death; he was taken for his orientation tour on his first day in hell. He can't help but to notice that there are a lot of gauges turning at different speed on the wall of various corridors. He asked the Satan about it and found out that it was a device call sins meter, the more sins a person commit, the faster the gauges will turn.
"Which one happen to be mine?" he asked.
"Oh! I am using it as a cooling fan now."
Pretty Woman
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, then walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "That was my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it ;I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies the husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Ours is prettier," says the wife.
International Call
A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her that it will cost her $300, she exclaims, "I don't have any money but I'll do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland!"
To that the man asks, "Anything?"
And the blonde says, "Yes, Anything!"
With that the man says, "Follow me!"
He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."
She does this and then he says, "Get on your knees."
She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper."
She does. Then he says, "Go ahead, and take it out."
With that, she takes it out and holds it with both hands. And then the man says somewhat impatiently, "Well, go ahead!"
She then brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it very closely to her lips, she says, "Hello, mom?"
Viagra Overdose
A woman complained to her doctor that her husband never wanted sex anymore. He gave her a bottle of pills, telling her to put them in the husband's drink and her husband would be recharged.
The woman was filled with doubt, but she put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made out. The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night the sex was ecstatic. The next day, she said, "What the hell!" and dumped the entire bottle in the husband's coffee.
Sometime later, the doctor called to check on his patient's progress. The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how everyone was doing, the boy replied, "Mom's dead, Sis left home, the maid's pregnant, my ass hurts, and Dad is buck naked on the front lawn yelling, "Here, kitty, kitty.'"
Vaseline Biker
A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.
A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family.
And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word!
By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay damn it, I'll do the dishes.
A farmer needs a rooster, so he went to the market. He saw one rooster banging around the cage, so he asked the seller: "Is this rooster good?" Seller answered: "Of course! But I don't think you will be able to tame him." Farmer said: "Don't worry about that, just sell it to me and I will have a way to deal with it."
He brought the rooster home and released it in his farm. The rooster went straight into the chickens pen and start banging all the chickens it can find. Farmer warned the rooster: "If you don't cool yourself down, you are going to tired yourself out." The rooster ignored the farmer and went all over the farm banging every living creature it could get itself to. The farmer just leaves the rooster and went to sleep.
Next morning, the farmer saw the rooster laying half dead in the middle of the field. He walks over and started laughing: "See what I've told you? You just wouldn't listen, now you know what is suffering." Rooster stare at the farmer for a while and said: "Don't come and disturb me now, I am trying to get the eagles to come down."
Fruits Feast
Cannibals captured three men who were lost in the forest. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in. But on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
Rubber Things
A young girl's car broke down in front of a farm in a stormy night; she got no choice but to take shelter at the farm for the night. The farmer was unwilling at first, but only agree to it at one condition: "Both my sons are at their young and innocent age right now, I will only agree to let you stay for the night only if you promise that you will not sneak into their room in the middle of the night." The girl agrees to the condition and stay for the night.
She can't help but to sneak into the farmer sons' room in the middle of the night. She told the two young man: "I am going to give you two the best time of your life, but I don't want to be pregnant, so you two will have to wear these rubber things.
Fifty years later, the two brothers were sitting in front of the farm.
"Do you still remember the girl who came into our room on a stormy night fifty year ago?"
"Sure do! I really had the best time of my life."
"Do you care if she really get pregnant now?"
"No, why do you ask?"
"Do you think it's about time we remove that rubber thing?"
Mathematical Problems
A professor wrote a book proving that the entire blondes are stupid, so the blondes wanted to prove him wrong. They gathered at a stadium and elected the smartest of them all to face the questions given by the professor.
Professor asked: "What is square root of 16?" Blonde answered: "5!" Professor replied: "Wrong!" The whole stadium went into an uproar: "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
Professor asked: "What 2 x 2?" Blonde answered: "3!" Professor replied: "Wrong!" The whole stadium went into an uproar: "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
Professor asked: "What is 2 + 2?" Blonde answered: "4!" Professor was surprised. There was a complete silence for a while, then whole stadium went into an uproar: "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
Breast Stroke
A blonde, a brunette and a red head took part in a swimming competition, they have to swim across the English Channel using breaststroke. The brunette came in first, then the red head, but the judges wait for very long still no sign of the blonde. After a few hours later, the blonde finally arrived looking very tired. She went straight to the judges and said: "I want to complain about the other two competitors, we were suppose to swim breaststroke, but I swear I saw them using their hands and legs."
Monkey Bar
An old man brought his pet monkey to a bar, he went and sit down at the bar counter and let the monkey loose. The monkey run to the pool table, grab the white ball and swallows it. The bartender was so angry that he chases the old man and his monkey out of the bar.
A week later, the old man came back with the monkey. The bartender give the monkey a bowl of peanuts to keep it occupied so that it would not create problem in his bar again. But after a while he can't help but to asks the old man: "I seem to notice that your monkey is doing some disgusting thing, why do he had to put every peanut into his ass hole first before he eat it?" The old man answered: "You remember the white ball he swallow last week? He got a hard time shitting it out, so now he will measure everything before he eat it."
Stock Exchange
A shop owner employed a new shopkeeper. One day, when the shop owner was not around, a customer came by looking for a bottle of kerosene. The shopkeeper went into the store and search, came back and said: "Sorry, sir. We just run out of kerosene this morning." The customer left.
After the shop owner came back, the shopkeeper informs him about the incident. The shop owner was angry: "Why you never recommend something similar like the paint thinner? We still got a lot of paint thinner in our store."
Another day, when the shop owner was not around, a customer came by looking for a roll of toilet paper. The shopkeeper went into the store and search, came back and said: "Sorry, sir. We just run out of toilet paper this morning, would you like to get some sand paper instead?"
Duck Tales
A duck went into a provision store and asked: "Do you have any grapes?" The shopkeeper answer: "No, we don't sell grapes here."
The next day, the duck came back again and asked: "Do you have any grapes?" The shopkeeper answer: "No, we don't sell grapes here. How many times do I have to tell you? If you come and bother me again, I am going to nail your feet to the ground."
The next day, the duck came back again and asked: "Do you have any nails?" The shopkeeper was surprised; he went into the store and search. He came back after a while and said: "I am sorry, sir. We happen to run out of nails this morning." The duck said: " Then do you happen to have any grapes?"
Sins Meter
A guy went to hell after his death; he was taken for his orientation tour on his first day in hell. He can't help but to notice that there are a lot of gauges turning at different speed on the wall of various corridors. He asked the Satan about it and found out that it was a device call sins meter, the more sins a person commit, the faster the gauges will turn.
"Which one happen to be mine?" he asked.
"Oh! I am using it as a cooling fan now."
Pretty Woman
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, then walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "That was my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it ;I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies the husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Ours is prettier," says the wife.
International Call
A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her that it will cost her $300, she exclaims, "I don't have any money but I'll do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland!"
To that the man asks, "Anything?"
And the blonde says, "Yes, Anything!"
With that the man says, "Follow me!"
He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."
She does this and then he says, "Get on your knees."
She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper."
She does. Then he says, "Go ahead, and take it out."
With that, she takes it out and holds it with both hands. And then the man says somewhat impatiently, "Well, go ahead!"
She then brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it very closely to her lips, she says, "Hello, mom?"
Viagra Overdose
A woman complained to her doctor that her husband never wanted sex anymore. He gave her a bottle of pills, telling her to put them in the husband's drink and her husband would be recharged.
The woman was filled with doubt, but she put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made out. The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night the sex was ecstatic. The next day, she said, "What the hell!" and dumped the entire bottle in the husband's coffee.
Sometime later, the doctor called to check on his patient's progress. The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how everyone was doing, the boy replied, "Mom's dead, Sis left home, the maid's pregnant, my ass hurts, and Dad is buck naked on the front lawn yelling, "Here, kitty, kitty.'"
Vaseline Biker
A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.
A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family.
And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word!
By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay damn it, I'll do the dishes.
Toughest Questions
There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in an issue of Sassy magazine.
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answered properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Football
b - Baseball
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
"Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of course not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answered properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Football
b - Baseball
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
"Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of course not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
Smart Jokes
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
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When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
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A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed the man a citation, and then as he turned to walk back to his cruiser, the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked the man.
"Um, yeah... so," the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"
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Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
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Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor, and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman watched the two men from her kitchen window as they checked her gas meter.
When they had finished the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. The co-worker accepted the challenge. As they approached the truck in full stride, the two men realized that the lady from the kitchen window was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped in their tracks and asked the woman why she was running behind them.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "I'm not stupid... when I see two gas men running that fast, I figure I'd better run too!"
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A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the back seat. And the women just won't leave the poor guy alone. His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!" His wife says, "Stay to the left!" After several more orders from both of them the man breaks down and barks at his wife, "Who's driving this car - you
or your mother?"
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An inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the following morning. One of the prison guards asked the inmate if he wanted something special for his last meal. The inmate declined the offer. Later, the prison guard asked the inmate if there was something special he wanted to do on his final day. Again, the inmate declined the offer. The following morning, as he inmate was being put before the firing squad, the guard asked him if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."
"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" asked the guard. The inmate thought for a moment, then replied, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, from beginning to end, without any interruptions." The guard nodded and agreed. "Go ahead," said the guard. The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."
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A young man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and that he would have to return the next day.
"What for!" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud, "Twenty dollars for contempt of court! That's why!" As the young man reached for his wallet, the judge relented, "That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The young man replied, "I know. I'm just checking to see if I have enough for two more words."
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A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. "I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee." "That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"
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A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
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Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
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Two friends were standing in a bank when a pair of robbers entered. Not only did the thieves clean out the tills, but they walked around with bags and ordered everyone to throw their valuables in. Just as the robbers got to the pair, one of the friends turned to the other and, passing him a bill, said, "By the way, Joe, here's that twenty bucks I owe you."
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A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"
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Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He
died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked. "Of course it me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
Earl excitedly replies, "Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
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A lady lost her handbag during a day of shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty singles." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have change for a reward."
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Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
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Two guys in a car drive right through the red light. "Man, you just ran that red light!" exclaimed the passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," said the driver. They continue driving through town and then proceed to drive through another stop light.
"You just ran another stop light! You're going to get us killed!" screamed the nervous passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," repeated the driver. Moments later, they approached a green light and they came to a halting stop. "Why are you stopping?" asked the anxious passenger. The driver turned and said, "Because my brother might be coming!"
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A rookie Police Officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with a more experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people in town who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and immediately observed a small crowd standing on one corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner now!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" Pretty good, "replied the veteran, "considering this is a bus stop."
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I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated. "Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?" The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle. "And where does the money come out?" I asked. He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM."
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A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarettes. He pulls one out and starts smoking it. The cashier says, "Excuse me sir, but you can't smoke in here." The guy says, "Don't you think it's kinda dumb that I buy them here but can't smoke them here?" And the cashier replies, "Not at all...we also sell condoms here."
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When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over, anyway."
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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?". "No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."
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A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."
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A lady's picking through the frozen turkeys and says to a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" He says, "No, ma'am, they're dead."
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A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible.
The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc. The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.
Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name, so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name!"
The enraged student pulled up his pants legs and said, "You guess, buddy! You guess!"
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The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
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When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
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A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed the man a citation, and then as he turned to walk back to his cruiser, the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked the man.
"Um, yeah... so," the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"
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Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
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Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor, and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman watched the two men from her kitchen window as they checked her gas meter.
When they had finished the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. The co-worker accepted the challenge. As they approached the truck in full stride, the two men realized that the lady from the kitchen window was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped in their tracks and asked the woman why she was running behind them.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "I'm not stupid... when I see two gas men running that fast, I figure I'd better run too!"
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A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the back seat. And the women just won't leave the poor guy alone. His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!" His wife says, "Stay to the left!" After several more orders from both of them the man breaks down and barks at his wife, "Who's driving this car - you
or your mother?"
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An inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the following morning. One of the prison guards asked the inmate if he wanted something special for his last meal. The inmate declined the offer. Later, the prison guard asked the inmate if there was something special he wanted to do on his final day. Again, the inmate declined the offer. The following morning, as he inmate was being put before the firing squad, the guard asked him if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."
"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" asked the guard. The inmate thought for a moment, then replied, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, from beginning to end, without any interruptions." The guard nodded and agreed. "Go ahead," said the guard. The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."
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A young man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and that he would have to return the next day.
"What for!" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud, "Twenty dollars for contempt of court! That's why!" As the young man reached for his wallet, the judge relented, "That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The young man replied, "I know. I'm just checking to see if I have enough for two more words."
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A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. "I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee." "That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"
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A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
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Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
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Two friends were standing in a bank when a pair of robbers entered. Not only did the thieves clean out the tills, but they walked around with bags and ordered everyone to throw their valuables in. Just as the robbers got to the pair, one of the friends turned to the other and, passing him a bill, said, "By the way, Joe, here's that twenty bucks I owe you."
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A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"
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Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He
died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked. "Of course it me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
Earl excitedly replies, "Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
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A lady lost her handbag during a day of shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty singles." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have change for a reward."
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Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two guys in a car drive right through the red light. "Man, you just ran that red light!" exclaimed the passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," said the driver. They continue driving through town and then proceed to drive through another stop light.
"You just ran another stop light! You're going to get us killed!" screamed the nervous passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," repeated the driver. Moments later, they approached a green light and they came to a halting stop. "Why are you stopping?" asked the anxious passenger. The driver turned and said, "Because my brother might be coming!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A rookie Police Officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with a more experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people in town who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and immediately observed a small crowd standing on one corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner now!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" Pretty good, "replied the veteran, "considering this is a bus stop."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated. "Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?" The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle. "And where does the money come out?" I asked. He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarettes. He pulls one out and starts smoking it. The cashier says, "Excuse me sir, but you can't smoke in here." The guy says, "Don't you think it's kinda dumb that I buy them here but can't smoke them here?" And the cashier replies, "Not at all...we also sell condoms here."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over, anyway."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?". "No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady's picking through the frozen turkeys and says to a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" He says, "No, ma'am, they're dead."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible.
The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc. The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.
Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name, so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name!"
The enraged student pulled up his pants legs and said, "You guess, buddy! You guess!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."
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